Chapter 64
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***
"Delnia?"
Leticia called out to Delnia, who gave a weak laugh.
"It's just, I was thinking about old times."
Delnia quickly calmed her expression and reassured Leticia.
But she couldn't help but feel regret swirling in her heart.
Surely there was a time when she knew what love was.
She didn't have time to doubt whether it was love, because her heart was so clear and pure.
"..................Blois seems like such a nice place."
Delnia spoke again, this time with more enthusiasm, and joy spread across Leticia's face.
"Oh, yes. Of course."
Delnia smiled back at Leticia, who smiled broadly, and then her gaze drifted back to the village, where she could see the back of a young couple walking together down an alleyway somewhere.
She remembered the times when her heart had been so alive she could almost touch it, when she had been so breathless, when she had been frustrated by her inability to convey it fully, and yet had found the courage to approach it again and again.
"I'll run away with you.”
And if she really could run away with him anywhere.
Maybe she could have stayed here and lived with him like that.
“I'm good anywhere, Roan. As long as I’m with you.”
She may have said it in her young mind, but she meant it with all her heart. Even now, she couldn't understand how that could be.
She couldn't understand it anymore.
The desperation of that heart, the days when it was the only thing that kept her going.
What love was.
Her once brilliant heart had lost its light, and so she would never know the answer to their what ifs.
But the answers in reality were relatively clear.
They couldn't.
That was all.
***
"Well, well, well, you're all home early."
The head maid's greeting drew Roan's attention to the window, where darkness had already settled over the land.
It was certainly early compared to the last two days, when he'd gotten home at dawn and only managed to catch a few minutes of sleep before the sun rose.
“Why are you so busy right after arriving here? It seems like you’re the only one handling Navy affairs, Captain. You don’t even show your nose at the residence.”
"I'll try to be more attentive."
Roan smiled, and then soothed Leticia with familiarity.
He was always deferential to his servants, and Leticia had the fiery mouth of a seafarer. As a result, their conversations often felt like he was being scolded by an adult in the house.
"Milan's not back yet, and he's not staying home for goodness sake."
"That's because he's been gone that long."
Just as Roan was being called here and there at the command center, Milan was traveling around the residences and villages announcing his return.
He'd even be traveling back and forth between the two cities in the coming days to organize his still-cluttered capital residence.
Roan didn't mind the butler's absence, as he'd never needed him anyway.
"How is the woman doing?"
"Who? You mean Delnia?"
Roan paused at the mild half-question.
He hadn't heard that name in a long time. He wouldn't be so wrong.
"She fell asleep early today, I guess she was tired after wandering around the market. She didn't eat dinner, but I couldn't wake her up."
Leticia, who hadn't noticed Roan's puzzled expression, sighed softly.
"Maybe I should have just woken her up and fed her, though. I think Delnia needs to put on some weight, she looks like she'd break if I touch her."
Roan nodded, agreeing with Leticia.
She had every right to be tired from the move, since she had to come down to Blois as soon as she was well enough.
But even considering the sequence of events, the woman was too thin.
‘Was she always thin?’
Roan absentmindedly pictured her as a child.
Her face was chubbier than it was now, which made sense since she was still developing.
'What her body was like...................'
But sadly, it wasn't her body that came to mind, but the memory of himself trying so hard to avoid touching it.
At the time, he had been extremely reluctant to touch her. He was tired of his own body refusing to listen to him.
Even if she just brushed past him, his heart would beat so loudly that it was deafening.
‘I can't remember because I was too busy avoiding it.’
After laughing at himself for the mess he'd made, he wiped his mind clean of the past and left Leticia with a request.
"Please take care of her.”
"Of course.”
Leticia replied with a smile, then added as an afterthought.
"By the way, I heard there's a party on board to celebrate your return, though it's a bit late to celebrate a promotion."
He didn’t even receive an invitation yet but he knew where Leticia had heard it. It was the kind of intelligence that only Blois could muster.
Roan's lips curled into a soft smile, as if he couldn't resist.
"Yes. They said a week later."
The Brunois Navy had a peculiar tradition of holding shipboard parties on decommissioned warships whenever there was something to celebrate internally.
Although they were called parties, they were more like social gatherings among the sailors themselves, and as such, they had a friendly, relaxed social atmosphere, as opposed to the more formal socialite banquets.
"I hear everyone can bring their partner."
"Probably."
Roan interjected, as if the subject was irrelevant to him. It was nothing new to him; he had been going out alone without a partner for a long time.
But Leticia clapped her hands in triumph.
"Well, Colonel, at least you won't be alone this time!"
Roan stared at Leticia blankly, and she narrowed her eyes and poked him in the side.
"Delnia."
Roan's movements stiffened again at the mention of the unexpected name.
Take her?
He could have sworn the idea had never occurred to him, and yet his mind had effortlessly pictured her with him.
Her arms around him, smiling gracefully. That beautiful, abominable look.
"No, no. I'm going alone."
Roan interrupted, clearing his head of the ridiculous delusion once again.
"What? Why?"
Leticia jumped as if she'd heard a bolt from the blue. She was clearly expecting something.
Sea people.
"Because I don't need it."
Roan finished his answer with the kind of secular calculation that the romantically inclined Blois would find repulsive.
And before Leticia could add any more nonsense, he was out of sight beyond the bedroom.
"Hmph."
Leticia stared at the closed bedroom door in bewilderment.
But then a brilliant thought struck her, and she tilted one corner of her mouth upward as she descended the stairs.
***
Delnia was writing a letter by the window overlooking the sea. The receiver was Sophie, of course.
She began by writing how she had come to Blois and what was going on, and then, as always, she asked for her mother and Sophie's well-being, and asked that letters be sent to her new address.
"May I have a letter delivered to the official residence?”
When Delnia asked for permission, Leticia looked puzzled, as if she didn't understand why she had to ask, but she readily gave her the address. It was all as Delnia had expected.
After a few days of observation, she realized that the kind and friendly Leticia would not question her.
Of course, it didn't hurt that in those few days, she had gotten to know her well enough to know all the details of her family life, including that her sons had a sizable fishing fleet and that her oldest daughter had recently opened her long-dreamed-of dress shop.
In any case, thanks to Leticia, Delnia was able to write her letters with a greater sense of ease. The fact that she no longer had to make up lies and fake a carefree life also contributed to the ease of writing.
The sound of the nib gliding across the paper was a constant soundtrack. The inexpensive pen, which she bought with her own money, scratched the paper slightly, but it had its own rustic charm.
Delnia scribbled the final greeting in her fluid handwriting without hesitation, then lifted the letter to let the ink dry. It was then that she saw the deep blue landscape reflected opaquely through the thin paper.
Setting it back down, she tilted her chin at an angle and looked out the window.
The sea, reflecting the autumn sun, sparkled nonstop as if it had been sprinkled with gold paint, and the ships floating above it testified to the peace by keeping their positions.
‘And yet, it is hard to see his face.’
***
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